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This is Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %PERMISSIVE STRICT PATERNAL HONEST ADDICT CHILD 900724 There are many discussions about how strict and/or how permissive parents should be. In such discussions often the issue is one of how much control parents should have over their children. Often ignored in such discussions is the issue of honesty between parents and children, and whether or not the central issue should be the issue of control. The issue of control is a central issue to addicts and codependents. For the issue of control to be a central issue in parenting suggests that the attitudes of the parents and/or children are like those of addicts and codependents. When the issues revolve around who controls whom, in what way, and to what extent; then the family is disintegrating, regardless of how the misleading questions are answered. There are no good answers to the misleading questions. There is a need to understand the issues in a way other than the way in which addicts and codependents understand the issues. There are real issues, and there are wise questions regarding the manner in which healthy parents relate to their children, and healthy children to their parents. There are issues of responsibility and accountability. In all such issues it is important to keep central in consciousness the many questions pertaining to personal integrity, communal integrity, honesty, and true love. It is important to avoid letting consideration of such issues to degenerate into conflicts over the exercise of power, authority, and control; without regard to the costs in alienation and disintegration of human relationships. Children and adolescents internalize the issues which their parents consider most important; even though they may not resolve the issues, and answer the related questions in the same way as their parents. If parents are preoccupied with the issues which preoccupy addicts and codependents (control, perfection, getting fixed, appearances, acceptability, etc.) then their children are likely to internalize those issues as being the most important issues around which the children organize their lives. The questions they ask and the beliefs which they are likely to regard as significant in their adult lives, are likely to be those which relate to the issues which dominated their lives with their parents. Such internalizations are made into their child-within at levels which are not rational, conscious, or open to ready examination and re-evaluation. Such internalizations are likely to reside in their child within throughout their adult life, and play major roles in motivating and guiding their adult lives in ways which they are unaware of. If parents value their children as unique persons in their own right, and are in unconditional two way dialogue with them within the context of affectionate relationships; their children are unlikely to internalize the issues which preoccupy addicts and codependents (control, perfection, getting fixed, appearances, acceptability, etc.) as being of much importance. Such issues are irrelevant to people who personally know true love through authentic experiences of being themselves in true love relationships. They feel no need or inclination to play collusive games of mutual self deception. They are free to be themselves without being preoccupied with themselves and what impressions they are making upon others. Making a good impression is not a central issue to them. Considerations such as these will play a central role in understanding problems which people have in improving parenting, education, business relationships, crime prevention, prevention and recovery from addiction and codependence, sex education, religious education, science education, etc. Without some form of understanding of the personal dynamics of human maturation it is very difficult to work within an integrative context which lets each generation profit from the mistakes of the previous generation. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================