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This is http://www.essayz.com/a9301101.htm Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %HIDE CRACK BREAK FIX RELATION COLLUDE DECEPTION 930110 When a child breaks a cherished toy it is hard for the child not to pretend that the break has not occurred; and to try to fix the break by pretending that the break is not there. The broken pieces may be held together so as to try to hide the cracks. This may be the prelude to honestly working to fix the breaks. It may also be the prelude to dishonestly trying to deal with breaks through extended pretense. How children learn to deal with broken toys sets the stage for how adults deal with broken relationships. Do we try to pretend that the breaks in our relationships have not occurred? Do we try to fix our broken relationships by pretending that the breaks in our relationships are not there? Do we try to hold the pieces of our broken relationships together artificially to hide the cracks in our relationships? Are such efforts the prelude to honest conflict resolution; or the prelude to perpetually playing collusive games of mutual self deception? When we tolerate extended patterns of pretense and deception which we use in futile efforts to fix our broken relationships---then we are making a far more serious mistake than is the child who is holding the broken pieces of a toy together, and trying to pretend that the cracks are not there. Our mistake is a meta-mistake; a meta- pretense. Mistakes which falsely try to cover up mistakes are far more serious meta-mistakes than simple original mistakes. Our mistake patterns becomes far more serious by layers as additional meta-mistakes are made to try to cover up our previous meta-mistakes. A collusion is like the layers of an onion; each layer being a meta-mistake trying to hide those meta- mistakes which are inside. At the center of all the dishonest layers may be a tiny original mistake which of itself was not really serious. The REAL COLOSSAL MISTAKE is to cooperate with each other in pretending that the layers of deception do not exist! We can be so successful in such an effort that we may all think that we are sincere and being totally honest! Dishonesty comes in layers. The hardest layers to crack are the outside layers which hide inside layers of dishonesty. As we learn to add new improved layers of dishonesty to hide the earlier crude forms of dishonesty we become skilled in making the layers of dishonesty look appealing. It is exceedingly dangerous to tolerate the beginning of the pattern of hiding dishonesty through the use of dishonesty as a manipulative tool. Some forms of tolerance are integrative and worthy of respect. Not all forms of tolerance are integrative and worthy of respect. We need to know how to recognize the differences between integrative and disintegrative tolerance. Tolerating dishonesty is almost always disintegrative. The dilemma is how to be intolerant of dishonesty in a manner which is not itself more disintegrative than quite tolerance would be. We do not need to pretend that we do not recognize deception for what it is. We do not need to be quite in the face of people making the meta-mistake of hiding dishonesty with layers of additional dishonesty. Neither do we need to make a big scene about our recognition of what is being done. It is enough to quietly give tacit signals that the deception is not passing unnoticed; perhaps expressing disappointment in what is noticed. Our broken relationships will not mend unless we learn to cooperate in open and honest conflict resolution. Our broken relationships usually have to do with conflicts between/among our ideals, values and goals. It is a meta- mistake to try to pretend that there are no conflicts between/among our ideals, values and goals. The conflicts between/among us as persons in our broken relationships are but manifestations of the conflicts between/among our highest ideals, values and goals. It is usually dishonest to pretend that we all have the same ideals, values and goals. That kind of dishonesty sets the stage for additional layers of meta-dishonesty which both generate our broken relationships and seek to hide the breaks in our broken relationships. We need to honestly mourn our broken relationships and then cooperate in resolving the conflicts among our high ideals, values and goals. It is not enough to be dedicated to our highest ideals, values and goals. We need also to understand our neighbors' highest ideals, values and goals; and to work with our neighbors in cooperative efforts to fulfill complementary sets of ideals, values and goals. If we do not cooperate in such ventures we will all disintegrate in our alienative ventures. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================