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This is http://www.essayz.com/a9001081.htm Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %AVOID HURT PAIN SUFFER DEFENSIVE VULNERABLE OPEN 900108 When we are insecure and seek to avoid hurt and pain by approaching each other in a defensive mood, spirit and attitude---we keep each other at a distance (physically, emotionally, affectively, spiritually, truthfully, etc.) we refuse to offer our friendship because it entails offering our vulnerability. Then we cannot come to know each other and are lonely in our separation from each other. In our separation and ignorance we cannot find any reason to trust each other; and often become even more defensive in our efforts to avoid the hurt and pain which comes with living separated lives. Seeking to understand each other through objectivity, science, and technical considerations which operate at a distance (physical, emotional, affective, spiritual, I-It, etc.) does not promote friendship because such efforts are fundamentally analytic and manipulative; not integrative and cooperative. Through such efforts we do not come to know each other, and are lonely in our separation from each other. In such separation and ignorance we cannot find any objective reason to trust each other; and often become even more alienated in our efforts to reduce the hurt and pain which pervades our separated lives. Sometimes in desperation we may risk offering our vulnerability in friendship: if others respond by approaching us in a defensive mood, spirit and attitude--- we are keep at a distance from each other (physically, emotionally, affectively, spiritually, truthfully, etc.). This is even the more so if their response is to take advantage of our offered vulnerability: we are then unlikely to make the mistake of offering our vulnerability again, and so remain lonely in our separation from each other. In our separation and ignorance we cannot find any reason to trust each other; and each become even more defensive in our efforts to avoid the hurt and pain which comes with living separated lives. It is a great tragedy when we take advantage of vulnerability when it is offered to us. We need to learn how to avoid situations in which vulnerability is taken advantage of; by learning how to create social contexts in which it is safe to be vulnerable. We need to agree that taking advantage of vulnerability leads to personal and communal disintegration, and is not worthy of respect. We need to agree that the integrative response to an offer of vulnerability is to be friendly. Approaching each other in a defensive mood, spirit and attitude leads us to be prone to attack each other when we see another in a weak posture. Insecure people who are systematically defensive put distance between themselves and those whom they do not trust; and so maintain their ignorance of and fear of each other. The greater the distance which is maintained, the more powerful and swift are the weapons which they use to defend themselves. Technocratic defensive responses to insecurity, heighten insecurity. Clubs, bows, arrows, guns, airplanes, bombs, atomic bombs, hydrogen bombs, ICBM missiles, cruise missiles, etc. are tools of separation; not means by which to overcome insecurity. To call the people who prepare to use such tools "security forces", in no way helps them or us to overcome our insecurity. Others cannot overcome our insecurity for us. We cannot have others achieve security for us. We deceive ourselves when we expect others to achieve security for us. No amount of effort, sophistication, technology, money, resources, or confidence will make it possible for others to achieve security for us. Security is what we give each other in friendship. Security is a gift, not an achievement. We are not secure unless we accept the gift of security. If we refuse the gift of security when it is offered; we remain insecure. If we are defensive, we are likely to refuse the gift of security; and try to take advantage of others when they offer us their vulnerability in offering us the gift of security. Our defensiveness often leads us to remain insecure as we refuse to accept the gift of security when it is offered to us. Security is a gift and it cannot be achieved. The achievement of security is not an alternative way to get security. The only way to enjoy security is to accept it as a gift when it is offered. To enjoy security we must not only be willing to accept it as a gift; we must also offer it as a gift. We cannot be secure in the presence of our enemies until they have accepted our gift of security. They cannot be secure in our presence until we have accepted their gift of security. The enjoyment of security is a mutual process which becomes possible as we understand the process of "GETTING TO YES" and "GETTING TOGETHER". See books by Roger Fisher for details. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================