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This is Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %TRANSCEND COLLUSION DISHONEST BATTLE CONFLICT EVIL+931214 %CONFRONT TRUTH TRUE RESOLUTION PRETEND PLAY GAMES 931214 When we are confronted with people who are engaged in collusive, addictive and/or codependent patterns of behavior there is a profound dilemma. How may we best transcend, overcome, resolve or eliminate, conflicts or in any other way "succeed"? We are often confronted with people who are playing collusive games and they are probably more skilled at playing their dishonest games than we are. If we challenge them at playing their kind of games we are not likely to "succeed". Their games entail dishonesty as a key ingredient. We do need to transcend their dishonesty and so need to be honest, but we need to take care not to be unnecessarily confrontational---because another of their games is the game of trying to be in control. If we try to be in control of them we are falling into the trap of playing one of their games---and they are likely to win by dragging us into their disintegrative pattern of attitudes, assumptions, thoughts, decisions and actions. Overt confrontation is bound to raise other people's defenses. Being defensive is another of the games which insecure people play. They cannot imagine the possibility of being truly secure through being free to be safely vulnerable. By being coercively defensive many insecure people put us and others on the defensive---thus dragging us into participating in their disintegrative games. In a paradoxical sort of double-think way --- we may need to outsmart participants in collusions by carefully playing something like their deceptive games. They pretend that they are not participating in dishonest games of mutual self deception. Direct confrontation in which we try to convict them of playing dishonest games of mutual self deception will likely bring sophisticated denials that they are participants in collusive games of mutual self deception. We are most likely to be successful if we go about our business and regularly affirm truths which they implicitly deny, and regularly undermine falsehoods which they implicitly affirm; we pretending all along that there is nothing unusual in our honest behavior compared to their systematically dishonest behavior. Participants in collusions have as one of their highest principles that they are not being dishonest. When they are confronted with our honesty which contrasts with their "nonexistent" dishonesty they are caught in a trap. They dare not overtly challenge us for being dishonest, because a full examination of the facts will expose their dishonesty. They can only implicitly challenge our truths and in time may find that it does not pay to play dishonest games, and does pay to participate in truthful relationships rather than in dishonest relationships. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================