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This is http://www.essayz.com/a9305031.htm Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %DEPENDENT BOUND PARENT NEED DEPEND ADDICT ADULT 930503 The healthy parent nurtures the dependent child to grow up and be competently interdependent in cooperation with other people who are open, honest, and integrative within healthy integrative communities of parents, adults and children. The healthy parent is present when the dependent child is in need of the healthy parent. The healthy adult teaches the dependent child to deal prudently and competently with problems which require understanding, knowledge, and skill to solve. The healthy adult teaches the dependent child to avoid excessive risks and to take necessary risks. The healthy adult is present when the dependent child is in need of the healthy adult. The addictive unhealthy parent nurtures the fear of the dependent child who fears abandonment by the unreliable parent---who is often not there when the parent's presence, guidance, nurture, support and affection are needed. By nurturing the fear of abandonment, the unhealthy parent increases the unhealthy dependence of the dependent child upon the unhealthy parent; and thereby the unhealthy parent bolsters the dependent parental self esteem by increasingly feeling more needed by the dependent child. By making the dependent child more insecure and unsure of self and others, the unhealthy parent prepares the dependent child to grow up to be another dependent unhealthy parent. The dependent unhealthy parent asks the dependent child to nurture the dependent parent; but the dependent child cannot meet the dependent parent's needs. Thy tragic cycle of the dependent parent and dependent child engendering each other is sometimes broken with the help of healthy adults, parents and children who are there when the dependent adults parents and children seek the insights, nurture, affection, acceptance, knowledge, wisdom, guidance, and support which are needed to break the cycle. The dependent parent and dependent child need the help of healthy integrative adults who understand the disintegrative dynamics of unhealthy families in which absent parents and absent adults are not emotionally there to nurture, guide and instruct the dependent child in times of need. The fear of parental abandonment of the dependent chid grows into the grown-up-fears of: rejection, excommunication, disfellowship, shunning, alienation, criticism, disapproval, judgement, punishment, imperfection, mistakes, errors, flaws, and second best. The immature child does not know how to make wise distinctions among all such fearful possibilities; and so records emotion laden confused messages which endure in the subconscious of the future adult child; who as an adult is unlikely to be able to return and nurture the abandoned child who gave them birth---for there is no present role model to lead them in such nurturing. Legalists and moralizers do not offer any insights, support, or way in which to deal wisely with the tragic cycle of dependent parent and dependent child. Passing judgment upon them helps no one. The perfection of legal and moral codes does not lead to personal and communal integrity. Excommunications do not overcome evil. Heightening self righteousness improves no one. Attempts to control foolish behaviors do not succeed. Attempts to eliminate evil behaviors lead to increased alienation which is the essence of evil relationships. The tragic cycle can be broken only by shifting attention away from the compulsive foci of attention of dependent parents, dependent children; absent parents, adults, addicts, codependents, and leaders of collusive games of mutual self deception. Trying to improve the kind and amount of attention given to compulsive foci of attention will not promote healing. Seeking to be more faithful to the ideals and values which have lead people into their tragically alienative relationships will not promote healing. It will not help to seek more sophisticated technologies and powerful resources to use in serving the ideals and values which have lead people into their tragically alienative relationships. Fundamentalists do not help by their efforts to more clearly distinguish themselves from those people whom they perceive to be their enemies, as inferior to them, and so as expendable. Only by shifting attention away from the compulsive foci of attention of dependent parents, dependent children, absent adults, addicts, codependents, and leaders of collusive games of mutual self deception can the tragic cycle be broken. The healthy parent nurtures the dependent child to grow up and be competently interdependent in cooperation with other people who are open, honest, and integrative within healthy integrative communities of parents, adults and children. The healthy parent is present when the dependent child is in need of the healthy parent. The healthy adult teaches the dependent child to deal prudently and competently with problems which require understanding, knowledge, and skill to solve. The healthy adult teaches the dependent child to avoid excessive risks and to take necessary risks. The healthy adult is truly present when the dependent child is in need of the healthy adult. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================