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This is http://www.essayz.com/a9304302.htm Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %GIFT EXPECT COERCIVE MANIPULATIVE VIOLENCE SELF 930430 The more coercive are the expectations which are given with a gift, the more violence is done in giving the gift. Healing of past wounds is made possible by the giving of gifts in the absence of coercive expectations; but it is not easy to give gifts in the absence of expectations. The giving of gifts is often engaged in as a means to achieving some chosen end, purpose, goal or destination; and there are expectations that the giving of the gifts will be successful. Such giving is usually coercive and is experienced as violating the personal and communal integrity of those involved. It is not easy to give gifts without expecting some benefit from the giving. We are wounded by each occasion of violence; and healing is needed to recover from each occasion of violence. Broad abstractions, generalizations, pronouncements, statements and proclamations do not occasion the healing of the wounds of occasions of violence of any given kind. There is some truth in the view that for each occasion of violence there is a need for a compensating occasion of healing through the gift of a non-violent gift; a gift given in the absence of coercive expectations with their own kinds of violence. The adult child who grew up in a dysfunctional family of origin learned many disintegrative lessons through the violations of personal and communal integrity which were experienced therein. Each such disintegrative lesson needs to be un-learned through a compensatory integrative lesson which is learned within the context of specific gifts of liberation. It is not possible to un-learn all such disintegrative lessons through the consideration of broad abstractions, generalizations, pronouncements, statements, and proclamations. The disintegrative lessons are un- learned only within the context of true security which is created through the gifts of the freedom to be personally safe within vulnerable relationships. Such gifts do not occasion the violence of coercive expectations, even when there is the expectation that such gifts of love may promote healing. In each intimate relationship we have needs, wants, desires, hopes and expectations. All too often such needs, wants, desires, hopes and expectations lead us to give gifts which are unintentionally violent because of associated coercive expectations. We need to learn how to transcend such coercive expectations, and how to give freely and prudently in the absence of coercive expectations. If we try to give what is not ours to give, we may not give prudently and instead give with of coercive expectations. We cannot give what we do not have as our own. We cannot give that which we do not own because we fear to own it as our own. We cannot give the gift of honesty if we cannot own honesty as our own due to our collusive games of mutual self deception. We cannot give the gift of non-coercive affection, if we fear honest affection because of past wounds inflicted in what appeared to have been affectionate relationships. We cannot give the gift of true security, if we have lived all of our lives in relationships of fear and defensive posturing in futile attempts to achieve security. We cannot give ourselves in true sexual relationships, if we have learned to fear all expressions of sexual desire and intimacy, and we cannot own our own sexual desires, needs, and fantasies. We cannot create long-term healing by giving possessions which we do not own, for we thereby create conflicts which endure until resolved in the future. Conflicts are generated if we give away what other people own as their own possessions. Such gifts generate coercive expectations. We cannot enjoy both personal and communal integrity in the absence of an existential understanding of the nature of true gifts which are given in the absence of coercive expectations. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================