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This is Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %TRUE LOVE BOUNDARIES PROOF UNION IDENTITY ADDICT 900624 People who are genuinely in love respect the personal boundaries which are essential to personal integrity and authentic identity. Their union is not a union which eliminates their separate identities. Each person who is authentically participating in a love relationship has a separate identity and personal boundaries within which they know themselves and who they are. They respect each other and the personal boundaries which define the space within which each person lives. They communicate across those boundaries with mutual respect and concern; they do not erase those personal boundaries. Addicts and codependents have a contrasting set of attitudes and expectations. They expect that in true love personal boundaries will disappear and they will be in a union which is free of boundaries. The absence of personal boundaries is to them the proof of true love. If the other person seeks to maintain personal boundaries, that is viewed as the proof of the failure of the other to let go and be in true love. People with such a set of attitudes and expectations are trapped in a double bind. If one participates in the erasure of boundaries one becomes confused as to who one is and becomes vulnerable to manipulation by others. If one refuses to participate in the erasure of boundaries one may lose the "love" of the other who expects one's participation in such erasure. The latter is a threat, which if yielded to leads to the former. Yet, people who are unsure of their identity and self esteem are likely to yield to the threat, and fall into the trap of TRUE LOVE of the variety of addicts and codependents who become attached to each other in confusion and mutual manipulation, and so are unable to detach from each other to gain a wider perspective upon their life and what is happening to them. People who are truly and honestly in love respect each other's personal boundaries and are in dialogue in ways which demonstrate that respect. Each knows themselves and the other, and is willing to reveal themselves in appropriate ways and at appropriate times. Together they cooperate in building an honest relationship which is free of confusion and manipulation of identities, attitudes, perceptions, desires, needs, and fears. The two are not confused through the fusion of two into one with no boundaries. The two are one in cooperation, dialogue and respect for each other, as separate beings who freely come together when they both wish to do so. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================