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This is http://www.essayz.com/a9006081.htm Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %LACK AFFECTION LOVE EMPTY CHILDHOOD ADDICT 900608 When he was a child Jack was not held affectionately. There was little affection shown or shared in his family. There was no hugging. Jack lacked affectionate affirmations, and still does. Jack feels empty and wants to be filled. Feeling so empty Jack does not want to let go of what little he has. Jack holds in what he has and does not share it because he feels empty and does not want to feel even more empty. Because he was not affectionately held as a child Jack now withholds what little he feels he has, and tries to grab, get, acquire, hold onto, steal, hoard, ingest, etc.---whatever/whoever he feels may contribute to overcoming his empty feeling. Jack has substituted holding onto objects and possessions for affectionately being held and holding others---for he knows nothing of the latter. Objects and possessions which are held may be manipulated and controlled; they yield to Jack's efforts. Jack has found that he can use objects which he can hold and own to compensate in part for his not having been held and affirmed as a child. Yet Jack feels the need for the human touch. Jack seeks to hold and use people as objects which he might manipulate and control to meet his need for the human touch: it seems logical to him. Jack does not know the logic of healthy human affection because he was not introduced to it as a child; nor since then. Jack wants to own and use people to fill the emptiness which he feels. He does not understand that his emptiness cannot be filled in that way, so he tries time and again to fill his emptiness through ownership, possession, manipulation, acquisition, control, etc. Jack is doing what his parents before him did. Jack's wife is emotionally, if not physically, abused. Jack's children have not been held in healthy affectionate ways; because Jack does not know how to do so. In his efforts to fill himself Jack has tried the excessive use and abuse of alcohol, drugs, food, sex, etc. None of them have stilled the emptiness he feels. He is trying other things which he can acquire, buy, get, own, use, ingest, manipulate, control, etc. He does not understand the logic of healthy of affection because it was not demonstrated to him as a child. Jack cannot understand the logic of healthy affection because he wants to be in control of the process of filling himself. Jack fears the risk of not being in control. Jack does not trust others because as a child he found he could not trust the most important people around him; they did not fill his healthy needs for healthy affection. Jack is trying to return to his childhood as an adult to fix his childhood situations. Jack thinks he now has the power to fix what he could not fix as a child. Jack seeks out people who remind him of the childhood situations which he needs to fix, and with those people he recreates the dysfunctional situations of his childhood so he can return to them to fix them and affirm his adult power to fix imperfections. Yet, Jack cannot fix what he intends to fix. He does not have the power or knowledge or skills. They are situations which no person can control and fix. Jack is doomed to failure in his efforts; but he tries and tries again, never learning from his failures. Jack moves towards focusing upon things over which he can exercise control; inanimate objects. As a scientist he seeks understanding of inanimate objects so he can understand, predict and control; and gain a measure of satisfaction which he cannot seem to get from trying to understand, predict and control people. In a desperate effort to gain the favorable attention of people, Jack seeks to use his objective knowledge and manipulative skills to impress people. Jack offers his manipulative skills to help people solve their problems and dilemmas. Yet, Jack sees problems where there are no technical problems; where there are human dilemmas which cannot be "solved" through technical procedures. Jack is addicted to technical solutions. Jack shares his addiction with others and helps them to become addicted to technical solutions; i.e., to become technocrats. They seek to gain control of that which cannot be controlled through the use of techniques. They cannot see the implications of their failures, and try again and again to control what cannot be controlled. They have not honestly dealt with the reality of the lacks of their childhoods. They deny the reality of what was missing, and do not deal with the consequences of the lack of affection in their childhood. They pretend that their childhood was more healthy than it really was. Pretense forms a very shaky foundation upon which to build, and their building fails because it is built upon very shaky foundations. Yet they keep trying to build on the same shaky foundations which would not sustain the building which failed. Their denial undermines the possibility of learning from failures. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================