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%PRIVACY RIGHTS BOUNDARIES LEGITIMATE QUESTIONS ASK 040505 %DOMINATION COERCION UNILATERAL VIOLENCE ARROGANT 040505 %SELF CENTERED NARCISSISTIC RIGHTEOUS ADDICTION God 040505 %SECURITY INVULNERABILITY SECRECY DISHONESTY GREED 040505 %COVETOUS JEALOUSY ENVY AVARICE SUSPICIOUS DOUBTS 040505 %AVARICE HUMILITY CONTENTIOUS COOPERATIVE DEMANDING 040505 What are some of the legitimate questions which may properly be considered in regards to the character of a relationship between participants in private/intimate relationships? Domineering people are prone to focus upon questions which cross privacy boundaries for improper reasons. Legitimate questions would, however, include asking if there are signs of: 1. Domination, coercion, unilateral-actions, or violence? 2. Pretentiousness, arrogance or self-righteousness. 3. Addictions, codependence or collusive games. 4. Seeking security through invulnerability. 5. Seeking security through secrecy and/or dishonesty. 6. Greed, covetousness, jealousy, envy, avarice, etc. 7. Suspicions, distrust, skepticism, doubts, etc. 8. Incoherence, lack-of-integrity, contentiousness. 9. The absence of joy, responsibility, responsiveness. 10. The absence of motivation, purpose, curiosity, love. The presence of many such signs would lead to the conclusion that the participants are perhaps trapped within a dysfunctional relationship and are in need of gracious help from healthy people outside of the relationship --- with due respect for privacy rights when the consequences of the dysfunctional relationship have already spilled out, or are very likely to spill out, into the wider community. There are other signs which need not in and of themselves (in the absence of the above signs) be taken as independent signs of need for help from healthy people outside of the relationships --- but many of them together and/or in association with some signs from above --- may reasonably be considered as signs of possible need for gracious outside help from healthy people; e.g., signs of: 1. Compulsive preoccupations and/or imbalance. 2. Withdrawals from outside/different peoples. 3. Disinterest in outsiders and different peoples. 4. Reduced vitality, curiosity, creativity, etc. 5. Suspicion toward new ideas and outsiders. 6. Preoccupations with possessions and ownership. 7. Fear of all forms of change and growth. 8. Aversions toward various kinds of learning. 9. Fear of doubts, uncertainty, and unknowns. 10. Anxiety about lack of control and dominance. It is overall patterns of characteristics and ways in which characteristics correlated or fail to correlate with each other which are significant and important; not a few isolated characteristics in and of themselves apart from other characteristics considered as part of an overall pattern. There are some troubling characteristics of people who are outside of intimate/private relationships and of their concerns and questions about intimate/private relationships. Gracious, healthy and integrative people need to take note of such people, their characteristics and of their concerns --- and to seek ways to mitigate the damage which may flow from them. The troubling characteristics include preoccupations with: 1. Domination, controls, coercion and violence. 2. Conformity, non-conformity, obedience, loyalty. 3. Purity, purification, perfection, certainty. 4. Propriety, traditions, legalities, judgments. 5. Police, punishments, authority, reliability. 6. Heaven, hell, good-people, evil-people. 7. Salvation, damnation, justification, sins. 8. Exclusions, inclusions, excommunications. 9. Dichotomies, simplicity, certainty. 10. Coalitions, power-concentrations, winning. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================