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This is http://www.essayz.com/a9411271.htm Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATION MARRIAGE PARADIGM MARRIAGE+941127 %LACK MISS NEGLECT IDEAL VALUE CONFLICT RESOLUTION+941127 %PAST HISTORY ANGER RESENTMENT FRUSTRATION REVENGE+941127 %FUTURE WELFARE GETTING YES PAST NEGATIVE FEELINGS 941127 It may be helpful to think in parallel about dysfunctional marriages and dysfunctional relationships between conflicting cultures, and between conflicting paradigms. People, apparently of their own free will, chose to enter into and tenaciously stick in dysfunctional formal and informal marriages---which are characterized by much conflict and violence, and by little meaning or satisfaction. Counseling professions have evolved with the intention of helping people to see themselves in ways which may lead to the realization of healthy relationships. There have been successes in such counseling efforts. There have also been failures in such counseling efforts. Often nations, cultures, ethnic, racial and religious groups and people who are the incarnations of conflicting paradigms have been involved for centuries in dysfunctional formal and informal relationships---which are characterized by much conflict and violence, and by little meaning or satisfaction. It might be well for us to seek to evolve with intention professions focused upon helping people to see see themselves in ways which may lead to the realization of more healthy relationships between nations, cultures, ethnic, racial and religious groups. There will be successes in such counseling efforts. There will also be failures in such counseling efforts. The dysfunctionality of relationships usually pertain s to what is LACKING in the relationships, as much as to what is present in the relationships. The dysfunctionality of relationships usually can be understood more in terms of the aspects of the RELATIONSHIPS, rather than in terms of attributes of the participants considered apart from each other. This latter fact is related to the fact that it is usually not helpful to be preoccupied with assigning blame, fault, guilt and/or shame for what has happened. It is far more helpful to cooperatively focus upon resolving conflicts to the future mutual advantage of the descendent of the people involved in the conflicts; rather than to the envisioned satisfaction of those who have suffered and died because of the conflicts. It is deadly to focus attention compulsively upon the motivations and guidance of people who have suffered and died because of conflicts---for they will motivate and guide behaviors which will sustain the ideals, values, religious perspectives and paradigms which have generated and maintained the conflicts. It is healthy to focus attention graciously and with kindness upon the future welfare of children of people who have suffered and died because of conflicts. The collective mutual advantage of the children is much more likely to motivate and guide wise behavior, than is the collective anger, resentment, frustration and will-to-get- revenge of the parents of the conflicts. Often what has been LACKING in dysfunctional relationships can be pointed to with the following words and phrases: 1. Dedications to mutual conflict resolution. 2. Dedications to personal and communal integrity. 3. Dedications to giving and accepting gifts of the freedom to be safely vulnerable; i.e., secure. 4. Recognitions of the futility of most defenses. 5. Recognitions that security is not achieved. 6. Recognitions of the dynamics of collusions, addictions and codependent support of them. 7. Articulations of integrative ideals and values. 8. Stories, rituals and traditions which promote universal kindness, gentleness and humility in being true to self and others. 9. Recognitions of advantages to be found in cooperating with the children of former enemies. 10. Concern for the welfare of children and their mothers. It is much easier to focus upon the thorns in the flesh which seem to be the cause of all the pain and suffering---than it is to focus upon and deal with what is lacking but which has not been recognized as lacking and so contributing to the enduring conflict, harm, pain, anger, resentment, frustration and will-to-get-revenge among the participant/victims of the enduring conflicts. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================