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This is http://www.essayz.com/a9301071.htm Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %REAL CONTROL TRUE EMOTION PASSION CONFORM EXPRESS 930107 When the expressions of real emotions and passions have been constrained by legalistic rules, threats, punishments and required patterns of conformity---it is then difficult for the victims of such constraints to let go and BE REAL in honest communications which are true to themselves and to each other in intimate relationships. All too often the effect of constraints is to cause people to be careful not to say/reveal what they really believe, think, perceive, and feel; and to conform instead to conventional patterns of expression which (according to the rules) do not conform to one's own true beliefs, thinking, perceptions and feelings. The rule which is internalized is; DO NOT BE REALLY HONEST, because that rule is what is found to be the common thread in all the constraints. That IS THE COMMON THREAD because the collusion which is operative is defending itself through SYSTEMIC DISHONESTY according to the tacit UN-EXPRESSIBLE RULES of the games of mutual self deception of a com-unity which lacks integrity. When the operative rule for a long time has been PRETEND TO BE REALLY HONEST, but NEVER BE REALLY HONEST; how is it to become possible for victims of that rule to learn HOW TO BE REALLY HONEST? This is especially difficult when the content of honesty might be emotions such as fears, taboo desires, forbidden hopes, unconventional expectations, forbidden pleasures, taboo anxieties, etc! How is one to become TRUE TO SELF AND OTHER after a childhood and adolescence of being trained to PRETEND TO BE REALLY HONEST, but TO NEVER BE REALLY HONEST? To learn to be really honest we must be given the gift of the freedom of really being honest from our earliest days of life---by NEVER being threatened with personal rejection, excommunication, shunning, disfellowshipping, alienation, etc. If conventional rules of social conformity are regarded as of more importance than BEING REALLY HONEST; then we grow up learning that what is really important is to PRETEND TO BE REALLY HONEST, but NEVER TO BE REALLY HONEST. Such training makes real intimacy, healthy sexual relationships, and healthy parenting virtually impossible when we are adults. It is not possible to switch suddenly from conformity to honesty; for the injunction "BE REAL" has become an oxymoron during a life of being commanded NOT TO BE TRUE TO SELF AND OTHERS in order so we will CONFORM. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================