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This is http://www.essayz.com/a9010082.htm Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %GETTING ATTENTION AFFECTION LOVE ADDICT LACK 901008 The roots of addiction and codependence may be laid down by how infants and children learn to get attention and affection. If an infant or child learns that the only way to get attention and affection is by getting into trouble, the adult born of that infancy and childhood is likely to be an adult who knows how to get into trouble as a means of getting attention and/or affection. If an infant or child learns that the only way to get attention and affection is by making deals, the adult born of that infancy and childhood is likely to be an adult who knows how to get what they want by the manipulation of deal making. If an infant or child learns that they only way to get attention and affection is by manipulating objects and people, that is how adult born of that infancy and childhood will behave. If an infant or child learns that the only way to get attention and affection is by pretending to be what others expect her/him to be, then the adult born of that infancy and childhood will be skilled at pretending to be what others expect him/her to be; but will not have personal integrity in being authentic. If an infant or child learns that they only way to get attention and affection is by serving others at the expense of taking proper care of him/her self, then the adult born of that infancy and childhood will be unable to love others as they love themselves, because they will not love themselves at all. If an infant or child learns that they only way to get attention and affection is to act out roles which have been given to them, then the adult born of that infancy and childhood will be unable to be responsible, because they will be unable to respond authentically and with integrity as a real person who is NOT acting out some artificial role. The adult born of an infancy and/or childhood which taught that attention and affection must be achieved through some special effort, is unlikely to UNLEARN the misleading lessons of infancy and childhood through some readings, discussions or lectures. Such lessons are embedded more deeply than readings, discussions and lectures embed lessons. Authentic adult experiences in honest inter-personal relationships which call into question the lessons of infancy and childhood are essential to the unlearning of the misleading lessons of infancy and childhood. Many of the ills and dis-eases of adulthood are probably born in the ill-conceived and dis-eased lessons of infancy and childhood. Such lessons are in turn often born of disintegrative ideals, values, goals, aspirations, beliefs and convictions. To avoid teaching such misleading lessons we must reflect in non-objective ways upon the consequences of our ideals, values, goals, aspirations, beliefs and convictions. We will find this impossible to do so long as we thoughtlessly respect the compulsive preoccupation of scientists with objectivity which inhibits honest reflexive considerations. We must recognize that the dilemmas which are pointed to here are true dilemmas, and realize both consciously and in our discussions that they are not technical problems, and that they cannot be solved for us by technical experts. To deal with these dilemmas wisely we must make take non-technical steps in ways which are not objective, are not manipulative, and do not have any clear cut goal towards which they are directed. There are no systematic procedures by which to guarantee success in dealing with these dilemmas, for systematic procedures are technical procedures, and they are inappropriate to dealing wisely with non-technical dilemmas. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================