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This is Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %FEAR UNFAMILIAR MISUNDERSTOOD DIFFERENT TRUST RISK 900322 We fear people who are different in ways which we do not understand and are not familiar to us. In such differences we fear there is risk. Jack fears men and women who are different, and whom he does not know how to control because they are different: in physical appearance due to race or national origin, in intellectual orientation due to education, in dress and ambience due to financial status, in affect due to unconventional sexuality; or in spirit due to complementary values, ideals and goals. Jack feels comfortable only with what he knows how to control, and fears whatever and whomever he does not know how to control. Jack is insecure and unable to be intimate with different people because he cannot take the risk of trusting different people. Jack perceives people who maintain their differences as threats to him, because he cannot understand and control them. When Jack fears something or somebody he tries to find ways to achieve control through manipulative understanding and familiarity. Jack does not fear that with which he is manipulatively familiar, and which yields to his efforts to control. Jack does not perceive pliant people and yielding people as threats to him. Jack likes females and men who support traditional pliant female roles, and fears females and men who affirm un- traditional robust roles which he cannot control. Jack fears people who reveal in themselves aspects which they cannot and do not control; for they also reveal aspects of Jack himself which Jack cannot and does not control: aspects of Jack himself which Jack himself fears because those aspects are unfamiliar in ways which he fears may pose a threat to his attempts to be secure through control of self and others. Jack fears his own desires to be authentically intimate, because in authentic intimacy we are not in control of our relationships or in control of those with whom we are authentically intimate. Jack fears his own desires to be open and honest, because in openness and honesty we become vulnerable in ways which we cannot control. Jack fears to admit that there is any power or spirit which is beyond the range of his possible control, for such a power and spirit appears to him to threaten him and his efforts to achieve security through systematic efforts to perfect a program of reliable understanding, manipulation and control. He cannot conceive such a spirit as offering security and the possibility of authentic intimacy as a gift of Love. Jack cannot accept the free gifts of Love, because accepting such gifts would undermine his systematic program of achieving security through manipulative efforts. Jack would thereby become a traitor to his own cause, and in his own eyes would cause the disintegration of the grounds he has for hope. Jack would thereby become a traitor to the cause of those people whom he feels he can most fully trust; because they are like he is, in making efforts to achieve security, peace, tranquility and serenity through manipulative efforts. Jack is addicted to his efforts to achieve a fix through understanding, manipulation and control. Jack believes that there must be some fix which will fix what is wrong with his life. Jack is looking for the fix which will fix his life. Jack is looking for people whom he can manipulate into providing a fix. Jack is fixated upon fixes and people who offer and provide fixes. Jack is searching for and researching for fulfillment of his fixations. Jack looks for fixes outside of himself, because it is clear to him that there are no fixes for what is wrong with himself inside himself. Jack does not feel able to accept any responsibility for his own life, because it is clear to him that all possible fixes must be outside of himself: in other people, in techniques of manipulation, in connections to sources of power and influence, in money to buy fixes, etc. Jack is trying to manipulate the outside world to fix what is wrong with his inside world. Jack is stuck, because of what he believes about himself and his own spirit. Jack's attitudes and spiritual life mislead him to fear those people whose spirits offer him his only hope for recovery and health--- in being whole in authentic non-manipulative relationships which are open and honest within a community which demonstrates both personal and communal integrity. Jack is encouraged to remain stuck by Jill who regards Jack's manipulative skills with respect, and is ever hopeful that such skills will eventually pay off in heightened levels of support from Jack. Meanwhile, Jill is supporting Jack in the hope that eventually Jack will get his life straightened out, and become a productive person in his own right. Jill needs to be needed, and now Jack really needs her as a fix for what is wrong with his way of life. Jack depends upon Jill's need to be needed, and uses Jill as the best fix which he has. Jack is addicted to Jill and Jill is addicted to Jack. They are turning away from others and inward on themselves and each other, but discovering nothing there. They are empty, because they do not know how to accept or give affection and Love in non-manipulative ways, and refuse to learn how to do so. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================