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This is http://www.essayz.com/a8904123.htm Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %PATERNAL LOVE CONFRONT DISHONEST ADDICT DEPENDENT 890412 The codependent/paternalistic parent/lover needs to confront addictive/codependent behavior in a non- threatening way which helps the addict and the codependent/paternalistic parent/lover to deal honestly with the natural consequences of continuing the dishonest interactive pattern of behavior. Attempts to control the behavior of another person will fail. It makes little difference what the technique of attempted control is. Threats will not truly control. Bribes will not truly control. Trickery will not truly control. Addictive behavior cannot be truly controlled. Addictive behavior is dishonest behavior. The dishonesty needs to be revealed for what it is to all concerned, and dealt with honestly. The consequences of the dishonesty need to be faced honestly by all who are affected by it, and dealt with honestly. The confrontation of the dishonesty needs to be charitable, not threatening. People can not be honest when they can not trust those who seek for them to be honest. Honesty makes people vulnerable. People who feel threatened do not feel that they can be vulnerable through honesty; they do not feel that they can be honest. To promote honesty one must give a sense of security within which honesty is safe. The key to helping addicts is giving them a secure context within which they can deal honestly with the consequences of their dishonest behavior patterns. They need to learn to enjoy the freedom given by security within which it is safe to take honest risks, and be honest about the consequences of the honest risks. Dishonestly rescuing addicts from the consequences of their dishonest behavior, without confronting the addicts' dishonesty, only encourages further dishonest behavior. Such dishonest rescues provides the kind of personal attention which encourages the dysfunctional dishonest behavior. Such encouragement needs to be avoided if the addict is to be encouraged to avoid the dysfunctional/dishonest behavior patterns. The process of helping addicts needs to include honesty about the role which the codependents in the life of the addict have played in encouraging the addict to engage in dysfunctional/dishonest behavior. Addictive behavior does not continue long without the encouragement of some form of codependent behavior which is also dishonest about the consequences which it engenders. The responsibility for the continuation of addictive behavior is joint, and discontinuation of addictive behavior is facilitated by honesty about the distribution of responsibility. The addictive/codependent relationship and pattern of behavior is not maintained by individual efforts; it is a joint effort, and changing the pattern requires honesty about the effect of the joint effort---by at least one party to the joint effort. When one party stops contributing to the joint effort, the joint effort will cease; the other party will have to find other ways of coping with the new situation created by the cessation of the contributions by the party that quits making contributions to the joint effort. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================