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This is Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %DETACH PATERNALISM CHILD RESCUE DEPEND CONTROL 890225 Integrative parenting leads children from their initial condition of dependence upon parents, to the power to live interdependently in an integrative community. Addictive and codependent parenting leads children to depend upon parents in rebellious and/or paternalistic ways which lack coherence, integration, rationality, and sense. Integrative parenting entails an absence of clutching attachment. Mature children do not become clinging vines that are attached to their parents in pseudo love or angry rebellion. Mature parents do not become clinging vines that are attached to their children in pseudo love or angry resentment. Integrative parenting entails charitable detachment; not indifference or control. Integrative parents are not constantly teaching their children that they will be constantly rescued from the consequences of their imprudent behavior. Mature children have learned that they are likely to experience the unpleasant consequences of imprudent decisions and actions; and so they seek to avoid making imprudent decisions and seek to avoid behaving imprudently. Parents who are constantly rescuing imprudent children teach such children that imprudent behavior brings them parental attention and rescue; signs of what appears to be love which is otherwise absent. The absence of authentic signs of love in the absence of imprudent behavior, coupled with the presence of apparent signs of love in the face of imprudent behavior, teaches children to engage in imprudent behavior; to become addictive and codependent. Children of paternalistic parents are taught to focus their attention upon testing their parents' false love by engaging in imprudent patterns of behavior. Their focus becomes a compulsive concern with their parents' pattern of behavior and how parents can be manipulated to elicit the signs of parental love which are missed, but are not authentically known. Such children learn to focus their lives compulsively upon how others are reacting to their imprudent behavior; a focus upon behavior which is bound to be incoherent and beyond any reasonable understanding. They try to understand and control irrational behavior which is itself a response to their own irrational behavior which is itself beyond reasonable control. They are bound to fail in such an impossible task. Children need to learn how to stand, walk and run in ways which involve falling and getting hurt. They need encouragement and guidance by which they can learn quickly from their mistakes, and they need honest comfort in the face of mistakes. Avoiding all mistakes is not essential. Learning from each mistake made, is essential. To learn from each mistake made both openness and honesty is essential. Helpful parenting entails encouraging children to be both open and honest so that they can learn from each mistake made. It is not possible to dishonestly rescue dependent children from the consequences of their mistakes without teaching them to be dishonest, and secretive about their dishonesty. Such teaching undermines the possibility of the children learning from each mistake made. Parental compensation for children's mistakes encourages childish dependence and leads ultimately to resentment against that dependence. Ultimately children and parents must end immature patterns of attachment; i.e., they ultimately must detach. In the absence of such detachment they live in the prison of their addictive and codependent patterns of imprudent behaviors, and of reactions to each other's imprudent patterns of behavior. Such dishonest dependent patterns can not involve openness and honesty which are essential to learning from each mistake made. Such patterns entail alienation and estrangement. The way to charitable detachment is a serene way in which serenity makes possible wise behavior. Serenity is sought through prayer in faith, hope and love which offer salvation from the habits of the mind and heart which lead to imprudent patterns of behavior. In prayer and meditation conflicts among ideals and values are discovered and resolved, so that recovery of peace and integrity becomes possible. Detachment is the process of reversing patterns of attachment which entail clutching to try to achieve security through manipulation and efforts to control. Attachment behaviors are attempts to achieve security through techniques of manipulation and control. Detachment is the process of giving up the attempt to achieve security through techniques of manipulation and control. Security is a gift which is given freely and is unconditionally accepted on the terms given. Security is not an achievement which is the result of the use of techniques of manipulation and control. Security is the freedom to be open and honest in intimate relationships which entail profound meaning and vulnerability. Wise parents freely give security and comfort to their children so that their children can learn from each mistake that they make. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================