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   %LETTING GO CONTROL INTIMATE RELATION RISK TRUST 920805

     When   we  are  becoming  involved  in  an   intimate
relationship  a  central  issue relates to letting  go  of
being  in control.  There is much risk in letting go.  The
central  risk involves the possibility of control  falling
into the hands of another person,  a paradigm, a system of
ideals and values, an ideology, a group, an institution, a
religion, a city, state or nation.

     What  is  risky is not essentially the  risk  of  not
being in control.  What is risky is the risk of control of
the  unique soul falling into the hands of powers which do
not  in  any fundamental way respect the integrity of  the
soul,  its uniqueness.  When the uniqueness of the soul is
not  free to express itself because it is controlled  from
outside, then the soul dies; even if the body lives.

     We  need  to grow wise in assessing how  trust-worthy
other  people,  ideals,  values,  paradigms,   ideologies,
groups,   institutions,   religions,  cities,  states  and
nations are. We may be tempted to sell our soul by letting
go  and  letting  control pass into the hands of  external
powers.

     What  is not so evident is that we need to grow  wise
in  assessing  how trust-worthy are the  ideals,   values,
paradigms, ideologies, and attitudes which we are prone to
internalize  within  ourselves.  In letting go we may  let
down  our  defenses against  internalizing  disintegrative
ideals,  values, paradigms, ideologies and attitudes;  and
fall internally into the control of them,  at the loss  of
our  unique soul.  Then we are not free to let go in  true
love,  and cannot truly be intimate with others;  for what
we  have  internalized  is not free to let  go  under  any
circumstances.

     To transcend our preoccupation with being in  control
we  need  to  cooperate  in  creating  fail-safe  communal
contexts  in  which members of each community give to each
other  gifts of the freedom to be vulnerable within secure
contexts;  contexts where control is not a central concern
on the part of any powerful people.

                         (c) 1997 by Paul A. Smith in
                      "Search for Integrity and Honesty"
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)

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