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This is Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %SIGNIFICANT POWER INTIMATE LOVE ADDICT OBJECT JUST 890723 The significance and power of intimate relationships are not understandable primarily in terms of the objective aspects of such relationships, even though the objective aspects play an important role. The significance and power of intimate relationships cannot be understood apart from consideration of the acts of will on the part of the participants, as they decide to give themselves in subjective and objective expressions of intimacy. Apart from authentic acts of will all objective actions of intimacy are without significance and power; even though through great acting they may appear to be authentic. People seek the security which is given through the acts of will of participants in authentic intimate relationships. It is the significance and the power which is given through such acts of will which is desired and sought, and which is confirmed in the pleasure of the security thereby conferred. People cannot be coerced into such authentic acts of will. Such authentic acts of will cannot be controlled by any person, persons, institutions, intellectual systems, moral or legalistic systems or other power. Authentic intimate relationships cannot be required, mandated, regulated, controlled, legislated, or achieved in meaningful ways. They are not preconceived goals to be attained through appropriate efforts and techniques. They cannot be controlled in any systematic way, even by participants. People who try to achieve/create intimate relationships through systematic use of techniques cannot give themselves authentically into intimate relationships which might transform them in unplanned ways; for such giving would undermine their systematic plans, and result in their not achieving/creating what they have chosen to achieve. Authentic intimate relationships change participants in unplanned ways, and thus threaten technocrats. We are impressed when someone whom we respect is willing to take time to give of themselves in attending to us and our needs. The more they give of their limited time and energy to us, the more we are impressed. The less secure we are in being who we are, the more we want to have our low self esteem bolstered by their attentions. Insecure people often discover each other, and find a short lived security in seeking each other's attentions in exclusive ways. They fall into the trap of thinking that the more of each other's attention they can acquire, the more their low self esteem will be bolstered. They try to gain control of each other's attentions so that they each can have virtually all of each other's attentions as a sign of great significance and power. "More" becomes their sign of significance and power; without regard for more of what, or of what quality. The more another person's attentions are subject to our manipulative controls, the less their attentions are authentically significant when given to us. If we control another person's attentions, their attentions are insignificant when given to us, and they confer no power upon us when we get them to give us their attention. As we gain power to control another person we lose the significance and the power which their attention to us might otherwise have. If another person gives us all their attention they become insignificant in our community and their attention to us becomes insignificant and confers upon us no power. Their attention signifies not an act of their will, but of ours. Thus there is no gain in getting another to give us all of their attention; and such an achievement temporarily satisfies only participants in collusive games of mutual self deception; e.g.; addicts and their codependent supporters. There is no justice in relationships which entail dominance and control of each other. Where power is exercised to control each other's behavior there is no authentic love. Personal love, power and justice can exist only in the presence of the two others of the trio. In the absence of the other two, each one is impotent and satisfies no real human need. The power to control others will not help us overcome our problems of low self esteem. Such problems are not technical problems which can be solved through the use of techniques; they are not really technical problems at all. Our dilemmas relating to low self esteem are resolved by acts of love, not by technical acts. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================