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This is Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %GIFT SECURITY TRUST HONEST LEARN MISTAKE FAILURE 880917 True lovers give each other the gift of security in which they can trust each other and be open and honest in intimate relationships where together they can learn from their own and other's mistakes. We may be open and honest in risky intimacy only as we receive the gift of security; i.e., the freedom to be vulnerable. In openness and honesty there is risk and vulnerability. Conformal people do not value openness and honesty. Conformal people try to form themselves and others into preconceived forms; they do not try to discover who each other is by being open and honest persons with integrity. Conformists cannot give each other the gift of security. Conformists cannot give each other the freedom to be open and honest. Openness and honesty are not just intellectual matters. People who give each other the gift of security give each other the freedom to be emotionally open and honest. They do not coercively expect each other to conform emotionally. They do not try to control thoughts and emotions or the expressions of them. They respond openly and honestly to each others' honest expressions of thoughts and emotions with personal integrity. They do not feel the need to be on the defensive; and their experiences confirm that they do not need to be on the defensive. Even lovers who give each other the gift of security need to be aware that not all people are lovers who give the gift of security. Some people are very insecure and have low self esteem. They try to achieve high self esteem through their competitive accomplishments. Somebody must lose for them to win and have high self esteem. They are not free to give security because they feel that they must win competitions to be secure. They believe that security is to be achieved through accomplishments which make other people losers while winning for self. It is a futile disintegrative belief. Security is enjoyed only as a gift. Achievements do not bring security. Technology does not achieve security, no matter how sophisticated the technology. Lovers need to beware of people who are addicted to attempting to achieve security through any form of accomplishment. Usually such people fail in their efforts far more often than they succeed. Trying to help them fulfill their responsibilities will not help them. Becoming helpfully attached to such people is dangerous for all concerned. It is best to avoid entanglements, attachments, and being with such people. Even the most "loving" attachments involve the loss of security, freedom, honesty, integrity, trust, joy, etc. Detachments from such attachments is essential to the health for all involved. Such people are addicts and those attached to them are codependents. They are not secure in their attachments. They do not achieve security through attachments. Lovers need to beware of people who have set out to save the world from its evil ways by manipulative efforts designed to get the world to conform to their conception of the nature of good human behavior. Such people are seeking to achieve personal security through meritorious accomplishments. They believe that the more people they save from their evil ways the more secure they themselves will be. They seek to achieve salvation for themselves by saving other people from themselves. Such saviors are insecure in their own being. They are confused about the nature of salvation and redemption. They feel and believe that love must be earned, and that security can not and must not be accepted as a free gift. They try to conform the world to their feelings and beliefs. Their efforts are disintegrative. Lovers need to honestly recognize the effects of such people's efforts. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================