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                  %NOT BEING IN CONTROL SELF ESTEEM 870412

     When people believe that it is good to be in  control
they  are bound to fall into the trap of tying their  self
esteem  to being in control.   They are likely to  believe
that good  people are in control,  and evil people are not
in control.

     If  Jack believes that good people have control,  and
he  finds he does not have control,  Jack is bound to seek
ways  to achieve control;  in order to strengthen the  low
self esteem he is bound to have for lacking control.

     Jack  is bound to seek the knowledge and technologies
through  which  to  achieve  the  ability  to  understand,
predict and control; to become like others who are seen as
having  a good life---presumably because they know how  to
be  in  control  and so are good people.   Jack  seeks  to
acquire the means to control and the good life.

     Different people perceive different means as the keys
to control:    knowledge,   money,   possessions, friends,
prestige,  respectability,  income,  influence, work, sex,
power, alcohol,  drugs, weapons, allies, appearances, etc.
When  any  such  means is perceived as the key  to  having
control  and  high  self esteem,  the way is paved  for  a
progressive trip toward addiction to the desired means  to
control.

     The perceived means to control is regarded as the key
to  salvation,   yet progressive use and/or abuse  of  the
means as a means to achieve  control inevitably results in
progressively  less  power  to have any control  over  the
course of events affecting what is meaningful in life.  So
long  as  the belief  in  the means as an effective  means
persists,  the addiction process persists.  This is likely
to be the case and the addiction is likely to progress  so
long  as  people tolerate the belief it is good to  be  in
control,   and people remain bound by their  logic to  tie
their self esteem to being in control.   They  will not be
able to be honest with themselves or others about the fact
that no person is ever in  control of any meaningful human
relationship.    They  will  seek  control,   rather  than
meaningful  intimate  human relationships---with  all  the
vulnerability which such relationships entail.

     True  and  meaningful security are found in  intimate
human   relationships   which  involve  high   levels   of
vulnerability, not in defensive efforts to achieve control
and  invulnerability.   There are few things which  humans
can   control.    Meaningful  relationships  can  not   be
controlled.
                                                                                                                               
                         (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in      
                    (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy)  
                                                                                                                               
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