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This is Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %RISK INTIMACY EYE CONTACT LOSS CONTROL LETTING GO 901027 For people who are trapped in addictive and codependent attitudes and behaviors---really meeting real people openly and honestly is risky. In real meetings any patterns of deception are likely to be exposed. We cannot really be in each other's presence without exposing our misleading behaviors. Meeting in authentic I-Thou intimate personal relationships cannot be considered as an acceptable possibility, if maintaining control of patterns of deception is of ultimate importance in holding onto and maintaining the artificial world of collusive addicts and their codependent supporters. Real non-manipulative eye contact can give you away in a way which you cannot control. If you want to avoid losing control of your appearance of cool control, you had better be careful about getting caught in authentic eye contact. It is tricky to develop a convincing appearance of authentic eye contact while being in control of your appearance. Authentic people are likely to be able to detect that your performance is not authentic, and so able to avoid being manipulated by your performance. You may think that you have deceived them, but you can never be sure that your deceptive act has really worked. You may mislead only other addicts and their codependent supporters. By being truly authentic, real people may appear to you no to be catching on to your act, but in reality they may be giving you the chance to be honestly yourself without the restrictions of manipulative judgments on their part. They may not reveal to you that they see through your attempts to deceive them, and they may seek to set you free to be honestly yourself by accepting you, even when you are trying to mislead them. They operate according to a fundamentally different set of assumptions and beliefs than do people who try to manipulate them. It is not a good idea to assume that all other people are living according to the same set of assumptions, attitudes, beliefs, and convictions as you are. Many people live according to fundamentally different assumptions, attitudes, beliefs and convictions than you do; and it is impossible to understand and meaningfully relate to them if you are unwilling to become informed about how their assumptions, attitudes beliefs and convictions differ from yours. Ignorance is never a solid foundation for action. To lay a solid foundation for action requires transcending ignorance about other people's assumptions, attitudes, beliefs and convictions. To transcend ignorance about other people requires meeting them in non-manipulative ways, so that they will be willing to reveal themselves openly and honestly. They are unlikely to do that, unless you are willing to do so yourself. The cell doors of prisons of dishonesty have the locks on the inside, and the key is always in the lock. To get out you must want to get out, and be willing to turn the key in the cell door, try to be honest and to walk out of your own free will. There is no other way out. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================