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This is http://www.essayz.com/a8902052.htm Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %TEACH CHILD SELF CONTROL JOY ESTEEM ADDICT DEPEND 890205 The child who is rewarded only upon demonstrations of self control will grow up with a compulsive preoccupation with being in control. Such a child will not learn the joys of fulfilling inner directed creative urges. Such a child will learn that being one with the community comes only from self control in conformity with externally imposed disciplines; i.e., all values and ideals originate outside self. In a collusive society the new parents fear insights and perceptions which might threaten the communal games of mutual self deception. Such parents can not feel comfortable with children who feel free to find joy in following inner directed integrative urges; most parents will behave in ways which will encourage only outer directed conformal behavior. Their children will learn that proper behavior is directed by conformal considerations focused upon how other people feel in response to one's own behavior. Such collusive societies thus perpetuate games of addictive control and mutual codependence. Each member of a collusive society is preoccupied with what other people perceive, feel, think, and fear. Members of collusive societies are taught as children to be preoccupied with what other people perceive, feel, think, and fear. They are not encouraged as children to feel comfortable with their own unique perceptions, feelings, thoughts and fears. Such people are encouraged as children only when they respond to others' fears and conform to help others deal with their fears. Children are taught to become members of a fear-full collusive community. Addicts and codependents are taught as children to be preoccupied with what other people perceive, feel, think and fear. As children they were taught as much by what their parents did not do, as by what their parents did do. Lack teaches by contrast to that which is present. Behavior which is never encouraged comes to be behavior which people do not have the courage to engage in. Addicts and codependents do not have the courage or self esteem to engage in behavior without particular reference to others. To some extent the collusive community can regain its health and overcome its codependent and addictive patterns of behavior by learning how to encourage the children to be themselves with personal integrity. Such encouragement entails parents learning to accept children's threats to the communal games of mutual self deception. Such encouragement cannot be authentically given if parents are not being liberated from their dishonesty. Recovery is a coherent integrative process in which all members and levels of a community participate. In recovery no individual or segment is in control. Control is not the key to recovery. Control is the preoccupation of people who were taught as children that the most important thing in life is to be in control so that one can please others. Compulsive self control is rooted in parenting which teaches children that conformity is essential; that preoccupation with other's perceptions, feelings, thoughts and fears is the key to being accepted, affirmed, encouraged, and loved. Such childhood lessons lay the foundations for adult addictive and codependent behavior. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================