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This is Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %ADDICTIVE ATTACHMENT OR REJECTION 880301 Addictive attachment and rejection are both disintegrative behaviors. Participants in an addictive relationship attach themselves to each other in a love/hate relationship which is neither open nor honest; it is mutually manipulative according to the tacit/collusive rules of a game which nobody can win. Addicts and co-dependents can not detach themselves from each other well enough to see themselves as distinct persons with individually unique potentials and strengths. Their identities are confused as they themselves are confused. They do not have independent reality, and see themselves in each other's shadow; but thus always in a shadow, not in the clear light of day. Because their identity resides so much in each other, addicts can not reject each other, just as they can not accept each other as they are. They are trapped in an intimate relationships which is devoid of true intimacy, openness and honesty. They can find no way to detach, reject, or accept each other with integrity. They can find no alternative to their mutually manipulative efforts to achieve security through efforts to be in control; efforts which feed-back and make their situation even more desperate. To an addict the essential elements of a healthy relationship are unthinkable. It is not that the elements are considered as possible ways of relating, and rejected as inappropriate ways of relating. To an addict it is taboo to consider relating in ways which are healthy. Healthy relationships violate the rules of addictive conduct. The rules of addictive conduct are experienced by addicts as ideals, values, principles and traditions which are obviously correct. Addicts try very hard to be faithful to the rules of addictive conduct. Their problem is that those rules do not lead to the expected results. The addict thinks that the reason is that the rules were not followed closely enough. It is unthinkable to entertain the notion that the ideals, values, principles, etc. are misleading all efforts; unthinkable that it is essential to detach from almost all the ideals, values and principles which have been the basis for trying to cope. Unconditional love is terrifying to addicts. Not trying to control others is crazy! Letting oneself be vulnerable in open and honest intimacy is crazy! (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================