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This is http://www.essayz.com/a8704171.htm Previous-Essay <== This-Essay ==> Following-Essay Click HERE on this line to find essays via Your-Key-Words. {Most frequent wordstarts of each essay will be put here.} ========================================================== %ACCEPT ACCEPTANCE WITHOUT CONTROL 870417 The person who never experiences acceptance by Love without conditions attached---learns to lack self esteem, and wanting self esteem, seeks to acquire self esteem by believing it is important to be in control of means to acquire self esteem. Control of the means to achieving self esteem becomes more important than receiving self esteem as a gift without conditions. Healthy self esteem cannot be achieved, it can only be accepted as a gift. Self esteem is grounded in the esteem in which others hold you. If others do not hold you in esteem you cannot with integrity hold yourself in high esteem, no matter what your accomplishments. Self esteem is not correlated to ability or accomplishments; it is correlated to how you have been held by others who have been important to you. If you have not been held well, your self esteem will not be well. You are likely to be ill-at-ease and being dis-eased fall victim to forms of the disease of addiction to means of acquiring self esteem---in which to hold you self because you were not well held. The person who is frantically trying to achieve self esteem by one addictive means or another addictive means is not likely to be sufficiently at ease to accept acceptance without control. To such a person the important thing is to gain control of some means to self esteem. One way would be to gain control of the grounds for other people's acceptance of oneself; to control the conditions for being acceptable. If what is important is being in control, then one must be in control of the conditions of acceptability. Some people try to control conditions of acceptability in terms of ethical, moral, religious, or legalistic codes. Others try to control conditions of acceptability by being important through the control of means of great power. Yet others try to control conditions of acceptability through profound knowledge, predictions and feats of great control. Others seek to control their experiences through the use of alcohol, drugs, food, work, sex, women, song, etc. All such people need to accept acceptance without control, but they have learned that it is important to be in control to have high self esteem. They believe that they can not with integrity stop trying to be in control and simply accept acceptance. (c) 2005 by Paul A. Smith in (On Being Yourself, Whole and Healthy) ==========================================================